My, What A Guy
by Forever-Furuba
Summary: Lyric rewrite of "Gaston" from the Disney version of 'Beauty and the Beast'. (Unlike my previous Roland-based song-rewrite, this one's set in the same world as the movie.) Part 1, Roland sings about his favourite topic - himself. Part 2, pre-movie goblins try to cheer up Bog with a song of his evil-ness.
1. That Roland!

_Sung to the tune of 'Gaston' from the Disney movie/musical_ Beauty and the Beast. _For some reason both of my songfics/lyric rewrites for_ Strange Magic _so far have been Roland-based._

 _S_ _nippets of this song appear in my story_ Taking the Feisty One _, during Chapter 24. I decided that to properly pace the excerpts, I had to write the whole song._ _It also works as Roland's introductory song to the audience, if_ Strange Magic _is ever adapted into a stage production. Disney owns Lucasfilm which owns_ Strange Magic _, so getting rights to use the tune of Gaston's song shouldn't be prohibitively expensive. (Actually, since Disney owns both, I think it's free - like how in their series_ Gargoyles _, Elisa was able to dress up as Belle in the Halloween episode without creating a legal issue for the animators or production team.)_

 _This was also inspired by Humanityinahandbag (known as Galimatius on this site), who posted on tumblr about wanting a Strange Magic/Beauty and the Beast crossover so Roland would sing an adaptation of Gaston's song._ _Three lines were offered as a sample of how funny it would be, of which I took and adapted two for my own purposes in writing this version._

 _This song was rewritten without awareness or permission from Alan Menkin (composer), Howard Ashman (lyricist), Jesse Corti (voice of Lefou), Richard White (voice of Gaston), or anyone else affiliated with Disney._

* * *

Let me introduce myself; I am Roland.

The pleasure and honour is yours.

Of course you've heard of me; I am Roland.

I don't need to, but I'll say more.

No one else could be as admired as me.

I'm everyone's favorite guy.

The whole Kingdom's awed and inspired by me,

And it's not very hard to see why!

No one's brave as Roland;

Saves the day like Roland;

No one's glory scares monsters away like Roland!

There's no knight in the kingdom as valiant;

Perfect, a pure paragon!

I'm so charming and handsome and gallant,

And it's over me all of the ladies fawn.

No one charms like Roland;

Can disarm like Roland;

No one's never seen out of armor like Roland –

Can I help it if it flatters me perfectly?

It matches my hair and eyes!

My shiny gold hair,

My bright green eyes;

I know I'm gorgeous –

No one can get enough!

Who's got abs like Roland's?

Your gaze grabs like Roland?

Handsomeness could almost drive you mad like Roland's?

My features have no unseemly angles;

As you see, I've got good looks to spare.

My face looks like it was carved by angels,

But even that's nothing compared to my hair!

No one has curls like Roland's –

Woos the girls like Roland –

When out riding, no one rides a squirrel like Roland!

It's not necessary to wear a helmet –

Covering these looks is a crime!

When I was a boy I brushed one hundred strokes

Through my hair to keep it looking fine.

Now that I'm a man, I brush one thousand strokes

And I must say that I look divine!

No one's proud as Roland;

So bow down to Roland!

No one could look as good in a crown as Roland!

Just a matter of time till the coronation …

Long live the King –

Roland!


	2. That Bog King!

( _Set either pre-movie or very early on in the film, the goblins try and cheer up Bog by reminding him how evil and intimidating he is._ )

* * *

We've cut down all the primroses, Bog King,

So please stop looking so down.

Come on, strike some dramatic poses, Bog King.

You're a drama king of renown.

"What?"

No one in the Forest's as mighty as you.

So bristling, wrathful, and cross!

No one gets angry or smite-y like you,

And that is why you are the boss!

We all fear the Bog King,

And revere the Bog King;

We don't dare to be less than sincere to Bog King!

He may be blistering with distrust,

But the goblins serve him loyally.

You can ask any Thang, Stuff, or Brutus;

They're all devoted to him absolutely!

No one's big like Bog King;

Got the wings like Bog King;

No one's got such a long and sharp chin as Bog King!

"I suppose that, yes, I'm intimidating!"

My, what a guy, that Bog King!

First he'll say ' _what_ ',

Then he'll kick your butt –

And who else could match

His awesome power strut?

No one fights like Bog King –

Smashes lights like Bog King –

No one fills your whole being with fright like Bog King!

For there's none so unquestionably evil,

As vicious, as sharp, or as strong!

The Bog King will not stand for upheaval,

So watch out if you bring a message to him wrong!

No one's trouble like Bog –

Pops your bubble like Bog –

No one's face has that thorny stubble quite like Bog!

"I've got a face only my mother could love –

But don't tell her I said that!"

When he was a lad he was learning to rule

The Dark Forest when he came of age …

Now that he's in charge he's focused on one rule –

All loving the Bog King's forbade!

No one's grim like Bog King!

Scaly-limbed like Bog King;

Banned an emotion on a whim like Bog King –

"Stop the song before I start decapitating!"

My, what a guy…

That Bog!


End file.
